Raw and Real

Here's an insight on the last few days of our life.

Raw and Real

I sit here, not even 24 hours after my procedure, and I process what all just happened.
On Monday, August 8th at 8:30 am, I met my new OB/GYN and moments after that meeting, we sit and stare at a nine week old embryo lying inside my stomach without a heartbeat. As I have felt before, my heart started to sink, I started to block out all that was around me and as the doctor sadly continues to talk I just nod, not even knowing or truly accepting what she is saying at that point.
I don’t care. Why, should I? All I know is at that point is just another sad heartache. Yet another miscarriage for the books.
Though, this one is different. The first ripped me from head to toe. The first one caught me off guard. Two years trying to get pregnant and we finally had done it! It had to be right. We went in at six weeks and heard that precious heartbeat and yet four weeks later, it was gone. I know, I know, God has a plan….maybe something was wrong with it, it just wasn’t the one for you. I’ve heard it all.
Three months after the first miscarriage we were pregnant again, and then we had our precious Allison. The love of my life. As I tell her every night, “I love you to the moon and back” and she responds, “Momma, moon and back”. She has allowed me to experience the miracle of life and what a true miracle it really is. She gave me a reason to believe. She allowed Geoff and me to know that our bodies are ok and we can have kids. She gave us hope.
Then without any planning we became pregnant again. Ecstatic to say the least but very reserved. Probably some might even call me awkward. We did tell a few people but only a few. Round one we told everyone like the little naive couple we were. I had just announced it to my whole staff, and then the next day found out our first baby was gone. I then turned around the next day only to tell them that I was “just kidding” about the whole pregnancy thing. So, I knew this time that I would not make that same mistake. As guarded as I tried to be I still can’t protect my heart from feeling so wounded.
So yesterday was hard, but last night was harder. Last night I had to have a D&C. As I laid on the hospital bed waiting for the doctor to arrive I just sat and wondered, would Allison be my only baby? How can I be so darn healthy and yet my belly can’t hold the life of a child? I think about the value of life and I know that at this point it is more precious than ever. As the clock slowly ticked down I continued to make hysterical jokes to anyone that came around. So funny that I got weird looks from others. I think most believed that I was on some type of other drug but I have come to learn that I use my humor at times like this to get me through. I have a pretty morbid sense of humor at that. I think it’s funny to say things that cause people to feel more awkward. See, I already know that no one knows what to say, and I just want people to be themselves. That’s when I will say things like, “another one bites the dust” or “just another day in paradise”.
I have experienced my own amount of pain and sadness before. People never know what to say or do and I understand that. We had a nurse that came in to see us and said, “I’m sorry for your loss.” She then paused and looked at me as if some light bulb had gone off and said, “So, you could have like three kids now?” I smiled and said, “Yep, but instead I have two in Heaven for me.” I told you I have had crazy things said to me but you know what? They don’t bother me. They kind of make me laugh. People are innocent when they say stupid things. People don’t think before they speak and they really don’t know what to say. Everyone deals with this differently but I just like for people to be normal and at the same time, to also understand that I may seem a little blue every once-in-a-while. I like people to hug me and love me. I like it when people aren’t afraid to ask questions or details. It doesn’t bother me.
I know that a lot people question faith during this time but I tend not to take the route of, “Is God real?” or “Why would God do this?” But I usually wonder: what’s the reasoning behind this? This time as I had begun to think about the “why” questions I immediately stopped and just prayed for gratefulness. I was grateful that I didn’t know why. Sounds silly, yes I know, but I was. What if the answer was that my body was not ever going to deliver another baby again? Could I really deal with that for the rest of my life? That it was my fault? What if the reason was pointed somewhere else? What good would it really do to know? Nothing! Absolutely, no good would come out of it.
But with where I stand now my life couldn’t be better. My marriage is sitting at it strongest. My husband is the most amazing rock a woman could ever desire. I woke up this morning to my own live in doctor. Each bottle of medicine had a cute little sticky note under it. Each one was labeled if it was a “must take” or “as needed” basis pill. Each one has the hours listed out beside it so that there is no doubt when the next dose is it to be taken. People always say that women are the nurturers but I have to say he is an amazing nurturer when I am sick. He waits on me hand and foot. Yes, I do take advantage of it some time because I just don’t want to get up. Leave me alone! I’m human and you’re just jealous! My favorite part is that I even get babysitters. Really I’m just lucky enough to have amazing friends that are dying to get their hands on me. So, those are the ones that come and check on me, hug my neck, pray over the phone and sit with me when he can’t. Hands down, I am blessed.
One of the hardest moments was when I had to sign a paper that had the word “missed abortion” on it. I asked the nurse if we could please change that wording and unfortunately that is just what it was called and it couldn’t be changed. See, it’s things like that, that jack with people’s minds. ABORTION! That is a hard word. There is no way that I would be taking myself there for that. I want that baby! I want Alli to have a sibling. Can’t we come up with a different term? It’s already strange enough that I have to be put all the way under and let some doctor go in and work on me. Do we really have to call it that? Either way, I signed the paper and then had to make the decision of how I would like to bury my unborn child. It’s just hard. Hard decisions had to be made and part of me is thankful that I wasn’t really fully coherent.
What’s done is done and now it’s time to heal. Physically and mentally. I love and kiss on my baby every day and I know that if I am never blessed with another baby then I will be ok because I have been given the greatest gift ever. I also know that my family will survive. Setbacks can be character building and although I often feel like I’m standing still in the busyness of our fast pace universe I also know that I will come out of this. I will come out of it stronger then before and yes more guarded then before.
I will never take life for granted.
Thank you for listening and letting me be open. Thank you.