Number Three

Number Three

On Monday, Jan16th I woke up to the unexpected. I woke up with blood and lots of it. It was enough for me to realize that I had just experienced my third miscarriage. I say unexpected, but really, it’s become pretty par for the course in my life. Every miscarriage is different and each one leaves me with a different feeling. I sat there at 7:30 am and just placed my barely awake eyes into my hands and cried. Sad soft tears filled my hands and hit the tile as with this miscarriage, I realized that Allison might be all that I am given. My sweet little miracle that slept in the other room could be it for this family. That’s hard, really hard to swallow. Even as I write this now it is very difficult to type through the pain that covers my body.

This was the first time that I had actually miscarried at home. I really wasn’t sure what to do, but what I feared most was going to the doctor. Luckily it was a holiday, so I just crawled back in bed and let Geoff hold me for some time. Those moments are silent and slow. It’s at that point that I start trying to see what God is saying to me. I start to analyze everything I did to make this better and I start to recall all of the conversations that the doctors have said in the past. I focus hard on the one that just can’t be true, the one statement that doesn’t make sense. How is it that I am really “healthy”? If my body is so healthy, then why doesn’t it want to keep a hold of what seems so right to me? In my mind being a mom is what I love and I sadly layed in my bed wondering the famous why questions that tend to enter your mind at times like this.

Since it was a holiday, I didn’t actually get a hold of my doctor until Tuesday after school. At this point I was kind of irritated. We had left a message and no one returned it and then I had to give the same information 5 different times to 5 different people. I mean for the love of Peter, Paul and Mary…YES, I started my last cycle on Dec 1^st and yes, I miscarried yesterday morning and NO I have no proof because I flushed the toilet! Can you please push save on the computer this time?????? My favorite part is then the doctor walks in and says, “Ok, Kristin let’s start from the beginning. When was the start of your last period… ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING???

Have no fear, I calmly stated all my facts for the last time. (I’m kind of sassy when I feel annoyedJ)

Through all the information I think the part that was the hardest was when she looked me in the eyes and said that she has done everything she knew to do and it was time for me to see a specialist. Me? See a specialist? Not yet. Not now is all I could think. She doesn’t know what she is talking about. I can do this on my own. That last sentence pretty much summarizes everything I have ever believed. I don’t have a problem saying that I want to lean on God but do I really allow him to have control? All I know is that I am listening now! He has my full, undivided attention. The doctor went on to explain that Geoff and I might not be compatible with each other and that our chromosomes may not be matching up correctly. Those words are the words that would bring me to some of my weakest points. I contemplated why I would want to go and get tested just so I could see that Geoff and I wouldn’t be compatible. Would I really want that information in my marriage? Maybe I really just need to take a step back and breathe a little bit and lean on God for his wisdom.

I walked out of that office with so much on my mind. So much to process and sort through.

As some of you know, I don’t handle grief really well. It is very hard for me to lean on others but with this miscarriage it was different. I didn’t have a choice. I would go to school and teach, be a mom, and then retreat to my room and bury my face into my pillow and let lots of little tears trickle down as I silently tried to let go of the image I once thought would become reality. I cried a hurt cry, a cry of fear and sadness. I had reached a point where I felt like the world was winning and I was losing. I felt broken into tiny little pieces and that too, scared me.

I’ve picked up some of the pieces and I am forever grateful for my close friends that allowed me to lean on them. I am thankful for their hugs they so willingly gave to me when they knew the inevitable would happen….tears. Those hugs let me know that it is ok to cry and to cry hard at that and they weren’t going anywhere. I am also so in love with the man that decided to take on this package of fun 7 years ago. His poor little shoulder has seen more tears than one would ever hope for but boy do I love that shoulder of his. He is mine and we are perfect for each other, no matter what a test would say.

Only time will tell what God has in store for our little family and I am confident he will take care of us. My life is full of goodness. Every day I go to school and teach and educate 20 of the best kids. And the most important thing about that job is that I get the privilege to love on them daily. Then after my day is done, I get to come home and love on my spunky little 2-year-old girl. So, although this has been overwhelming and emotional and scary, I know that I will make it through this just like I have in the past.

The Seibel family is excited to see what God brings and we know that with him all things are possible. I hope my last few blogs find a spot in someone’s heart that might be going through the same thing. I hope it helps people to understand what it’s like on my end and how to be a friend to someone who might be struggling.

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read!

Love,

Kristin Seibel

Here is what I am so blessed to have.....